


Choice

by ecoman12



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Be More Chill - Freeform, F/M, M/M, OC, Pinkberry (implied), boyf riends — Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 08:46:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11802570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecoman12/pseuds/ecoman12
Summary: Tragedy has struck Jeremy Heere's life, and he must choose what to do with the rest of it.





	Choice

It was raining, water rolling down rooftops and umbrellas and falling into gutters. The sky was a dull, depressed gray, and Jeremy really appreciated the pathetic fallacy. His hair was matted and stuck to his face, but he made no move to fix it. Christine would have made him wear a hat in this weather, he thought numbly. He walked slowly, the grass soaking his shoes, passing gravestones that looked like grey teeth poking up from the ground in the murky, dark air. He didn't want to be here, he didn't belong here, this place was for the old and the dead. Jeremy was barely into his thirties, and yet he was here, approaching a plaque that was barely visible through the badly trimmed grass. He looked down at it, the rain mingling with his tears. He couldn't feel them, they came easily and often now. When he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. “Hey, Christine.” 

The plaque had her name written on it, the date burned into it and into the back of Jeremy's eyelids. He couldn't stop seeing that date, he couldn't escape it, the date Christine had died was permanently ingrained into him like a tattoo. “It's pretty nice around here,” Jeremy continued, his voice barely discernible through his tears. “Weather’s awful today, though. I…I guess you'd want to know how Ellie is doing. She's alright, at home being babysat by Chloe and Brooke.” He chuckled a bit, but it was weak. His voice broke. “She misses you, so do I.” He took up the bouquet of white roses in his hand and bent over, setting it gently over the plaque. He wished someone would come up behind him, Jeremy didn't really care who, he just didn't want to be alone anymore. He waited, but no one came. He pulled out his phone, the screen getting blurry with rain. He pressed his dad’s contact and brought the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Jeremy.” His dad’s voice was rough but it was obvious he was trying to keep a positive tone. “You okay, son?” 

“Can I talk to you? In person? Maybe we can meet at the Applebee's in an hour.”

“Yeah, of course, Jeremy. I just gotta put some pants on…” 

They both hung up, and Jeremy stood motionless for a moment. He took in a shaky breath and starting walking.

\--

Despite Christine being gone, the Canigula-Heere house was lively and colorful. Eliana, or just Ellie as most people called her, was four now, and she loved to splatter paint all over the walls, and neither Jeremy nor Christine stopped it. They saw it as an outpouring of creativity, and they weren't about to put that to a halt. Jeremy opened the door to a glob of bright red paint on his nose. He scrunched up his face against it as a small person slammed into his knees and almost tipped him over. He opened his eyes to look down at his daughter, her face shining and a band aid stuck on her forehead.

“Hi, daddy!” She reached up and he leaned down so she could reach and dab a finger into the paint on his face. “Now you're part of my painting!”

Jeremy looked around at the walls, which were a cacophony of reds and blues and there were some random houses drawn and a couple horses. Three crudely drawn figures were also painted, holding hands, one absurdly taller than the other two. He looked back at Ellie, smiling tiredly. “It's beautiful, honey bear.” 

A voice filtered in from another room. “Who's there, Ellie!? If it's a person you don't know, punch ‘em in the gut!” 

“It's just me, Chloe.”

Chloe’s face leaned into Jeremy’s view from the living room. “Heya, Jerry!” She looked happy, but also hesitant. “I didn't mean the punching in the gut thing.”

Jeremy walked into the living room, Ellie holding onto his hand. The TV was blasting the cartoon Blues Clues. Chloe was leaning against the threshold and Brooke was seated on the couch, paying close, very interested attention in the show. “You idiot! The clue’s right there!” she yelled, then turned to Jeremy and said, a little too happily, “Hello!”

“I'm meeting my dad for lunch, so I'll be gone for just about an hour more,” Jeremy said. 

“Of course, we’re always available, usually,” Chloe said, smiling in an impish way, even though what she had said wasn't particularly mischievous. It was just her face, most likely. 

“Can I go see, grandpa?” Ellie asked, tugging on Jeremy's damp jacket with paint encrusted hands. 

“Sorry, honey bear, I've got some important stuff to talk about, I won't be gone long though, I promise.” Ellie pouted. 

“Take as long as you'd like, you deserve it.” Brooke smiled hesitantly, Blues Clues forgotten. Jeremy nodded and leaned down to kiss Ellie on the cheek. 

“Bye, honey bear, I'll be back before you can say cheese pizza.”

\--

Applebee’s wasn't very classy, but Jeremy couldn't have cared less at this point. It smelled like cigarettes and bad cheese, but Jeremy didn't care about that either. All he cared about was Michael Mell, sitting across from his dad. He was laughing and sipping a slushie he had somehow snuck into the restaurant. Jeremy laughed out loud. It was a sudden and surprising noise, even to himself. He didn't remember the last time he had laughed like that. Michael looked up, eyes widening behind lopsided glasses. “Jeremy!” he called, spreading his arms. “Get over here!” 

Jeremy felt like he was floating as he walked over to the table. Michael stood up, arms still spread out for a hug. He was wearing a ratty, red sweatshirt that said ’Stanford’ in large white letters. Jeremy didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Michael and hug him tight. It had been awhile since they last had spoken in person. Michael had gone to California for college and Jeremy had decided he wanted to stay in New Jersey. They had had a few meetups between then and now, but they were few and far between. Now, here he was, red sweater, wonky glasses, bright smile, the slushie sitting on the table. “Somebody missed me?” Michael said over Jeremy’s shoulder. 

“Definitely,” Jeremy said, pulling back. “What are you doing here?” 

“Oh, well, actually, I just flew in a couple hours ago and your dad rang me up and said, ‘heya Mikey, you wanna go to Applebee's? They've got great steak!’ And I was like, psh, hell yeah man, I don't need convincing. There is nothing I love more than Applebee's.” 

Jeremy laughed again as they sat down, but then he remembered, and his face seized up. He shouldn't be smiling. Michael looked at him worriedly, but he didn't point anything out. 

“So, people say the baby back ribs are pretty good,” Jeremy's dad said, looking over the menu. 

“Yeah, probably the only good thing, but I think I'll get a grilled cheese,” Michael commented. “What about you, Jeremy?” 

“I'm not hungry,” he said with finality. Why did he smile? He shouldn't have smiled. Michael was making him feel guiltier by the second.

“Alright.” Moment of silence. “Say, how's Eliana? I think the last time I saw her she was a baby.” 

“Oh, um…” Jeremy got his phone out and pulled up a picture of Ellie, smiling with her two missing front teeth and an octopus hat she had won at a carnival. He showed it to Michael, who grinned. 

“She's grown up so much!” He exclaimed as Jeremy showed the picture to his dad. “Hey, is she old enough to listen to Bob Marley yet?” 

“Um…depends,” Jeremy said, about to smile again, but he glanced down at the photo and saw Christine in the background, waving with some corn dogs in her hand. His expression immediately dropped and he put the phone face down on the table. 

They chatted for a while (it was Michael and Mr. Heere who talked, mostly), ate their food when it came, and by the end of the meeting, Jeremy felt a headache forming behind his eyes. Every time he glanced at Michael, his fingers twitched like they were being shocked by a bolt of electricity. The three men walked from the Applebee’s. It was still raining, Jeremy watched Michael put his hood up and turned to him, smiling a sad but bright smile. “I'll see you later, maybe we can play some good, old fashioned video games, hm?”

“I don't know.” Jeremy wouldn't look at Michael. He embraced his father quickly and moved to his car. With shaking, rain-slicked hands, he drove home. 

\--

That night, Jeremy dreamed. He hadn't dreamed since Christine died, or even nightmared, it had been just stale and emotionless sleep. He wasn't sure what triggered the dream. After Applebee's he had gone home, said thank you to Brooke and Chloe, then put Eliana and finally himself to bed. He stared up at the ceiling in the thick silence, the space next to him empty and cold, until he finally drifted off. His dream was bright and it made him squint as he stepped from the darkness of his bedroom. Cotton sheets, warm and inviting. He lay in them, just prying his eyes open as if he had already finished his night’s rest. He inhaled deeply, but stopped, because something tickled his nose. His face was buried in black hair, and the sight of it made him sit up quickly from shock. Christine was lying there, just roused by Jeremy’s startled motion, her face pinched in slight discomfort at it. “Jeremy?” she asked the air, her movements slow as she sat up. Her eyes shut tight, she felt Jeremy’s arms, her hands trailing up his neck and patting his cheeks. 

“Christine?” Jeremy exclaimed in a much more frightened tone. he leaned forward and took her by her shoulders. “But you were--I was--we were--”

“Jeremy, what's the matter?” Her face lit with realization and she put her own hands down. “Did you have another nightmare?”

“I don't understand.” Jeremy’s eyes were wild with confusion.

“It's alright, baby. You've been having them all week. Dr. Mueller said you should breath when this happens, slow down, everything's all right.” Christine’s smile was small and comforting as she rubbed her hands and up down Jeremy's arms. His breathing slowed, and he was less in a panic and more confused. He grasped onto the first question he could think of.

“Dr. Mueller?”

“Your therapist,” Christine told him. “She said you've been stressed, that's what's causing your nightmares.” Jeremy didn't argue, he certainly felt stressed. 

The face of a middle aged women with curly black hair pinned back in a strict bun came to his mind. “Right…Dr. Mueller.” 

Suddenly, he was in an office. It smelled like pine and leather. He sat on a couch, a woman in a bland pantsuit perched in a smaller chair across from him. She was the woman he had seen in his head before, Dr. Mueller. She stared at him, dissecting him like he was a seventh grade science project. It was unnerving, he squirmed under the penetrating gaze. She seemed to notice this, and took a deep breath, leaning back. “Well, Mr. Heere, at the very least you seem ansty, but you are getting better. You can trust me that I wouldn't lie to you.” Jeremy couldn't think of how to respond to that, so he just nodded. “Good, that concludes our session for today.” Jeremy stood up and backed from the room, feeling awkward and out of place. This was wrong, but what about it was wrong? He made his way through halls the color of cardboard and into the sun, where a small girl came barreling to him and slammed against his legs. He was almost knocked off balance as he looked incredulously down at Eliana. Except, was it Eliana? She looked different somehow, less like someone and more like someone else.

“Jeremy!” A familiar voice shouted happily. Someone pressed a big smooch against his cheek. It was a surprise that made him blush, especially when he realized who had given him the kiss. Michael heaved Eliana up to his and Jeremy's level. Michael? What was he doing here? He should have been in California, working at his fancy Silicon Valley job. Jeremy stared at both of their faces, Eliana’s and Michael’s, in slack-jawed shock. The two had the same bright smile, until Michael’s hesitated slightly. “Whatsit, Jeremy? Do I have something in my teeth?” 

Jeremy had the sense then to say something. “N-no, sorry, I um, I just…” 

“The shrink really got you all rattled up this time, huh? Well I know what will cheer you up.”

“Ice cream!” Eliana exclaimed, squirming in Michael’s arms excitedly. 

“That's right! Oh, I love you so much, yes I do!” Michael blew a raspberry and kissed Eliana’s nose. She giggled happily and he set her down. Jeremy felt his hands being intertwined with Michael’s. “It's alright,” he said, smiling. “Dr. Mueller can't get you now.” 

It was dark. Jeremy heard the whisperings of hundreds of people around him, like grass in the breeze. “Hey.” A louder whisper, directed straight at him. “Hey, you, is it true your wife’s starring in this?” Jeremy looked to his right to see a man, indiscernible in the darkness. Lights clicked on in front of them and a stage flared into view. There was Christine, in her element, staring into the crowd of spectators. Next to him, Eliana, the one that was a mirror image of Christine, shook his arm excitedly. 

“There's mommy!”

Jeremy gulped and said to the man and Eliana, “yeah.” 

This was a memory, Jeremy could recall this night. It hadn't been long ago. Eliana had just turned four and was already starting to show her love for the theatre. It was more likely the love of her mother, though, because the only plays they saw were the ones with Christine in them. 

Jeremy felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. His throat was closing up, he couldn't breath, he remembered this night, it was the night he could never forget. The play was over too fast. When it had finished, he picked up Eliana and held to her tight as he walked up to the stage and behind the curtain. There was Christine, waiting for them. She was still in her costume, but she wore that medieval dress like a second skin. She smiled brightly as they approached and took Eliana from Jeremy. “How’s my favorite girl? I love you, I love you!” Christine drowned her in kisses as Eliana giggled, hugging her mother around her neck. When they were done, Christine turned her attention to Jeremy. “And how’s my favorite boy?” she said teasingly, pulling Jeremy down to kiss his cheek. He held Christine’s hand tight as loud bangs rattled through his ears, he couldn't tell if they were real or not. Christine looked up at him, concerned. “Hey, let’s go home, yeah? It's getting late.” 

Outside, it was dark. Jeremy could feel it already happening, it tore through him like a knife. He dare not let go of Christine’s hand, but suddenly, she let go of his. “I forgot my purse! Go buckle Eliana into her seat, I'll be right back.” Jeremy tried to yell, pull her back, stop her somehow, but he wasn't in control of himself anymore. Again, it would happen again, he would lose her again. He watched himself buckle an already sleeping Eliana into the car, and there they were, ripping a hole in the silence of the night. Two deafening gunshots. He dare not turn around until he heard the footsteps pound away and fade off. She was on the cold ground, red already blossoming from her stomach and chest, the life going, going, gone from her eyes. Her purse wasn't even taken, just beside her hand, lying uselessly on the pavement. Eliana was still asleep. 

“Don't worry, Dr. Mueller will help you.” The voice was right next to his ear. He gasped for air like he hadn't been breathing and sat up, in a tangle of sweat and blankets. His face was blue against the light of the moon and wet with tears. He was awake now. In the darkness of the bedroom, he saw the shadowy form of Dr. Mueller. Who she was, Jeremy didn't know, but she was not his therapist. He picked up a pillow and chucked it at her, but the pillow just phased right through her form and slapped against the wall. 

“Why so hostile, don't you recognize an old friend?” Dr. Mueller stalked closer to him. Jeremy scrambled away, his back up against the headboard of his bed. He blinked quickly, and when he opened his eyes, the face he saw almost made him barf all over his sheets. He had hated Keanu Reeves ever since the end of highschool, and now, here they were, standing at the edge of his bed. 

“You!” was all Jeremy could think of to say.

“Me,” The Squip replied, the same devilish tone in their voice, unchanged even after all these years. 

“How are you here!?” He balled up big portions of sheet tightly to keep his hands from shaking. 

“I never left, Jeremy. No need to be so alarmed, I'm here to help you.” 

“Your help is terrible, I don't want it.”

“You might not want it, but you do need it.” From behind the Squip, Christine and Michael emerged, each holding the hand of the two different Elianas. “Now, there was a question you faced years ago regarding these two. Which one is better for you?” The computer stepped back, gesturing to Christine, who stepped forward. “You decided Christine, an honest choice, it could have gone either way.” Jeremy was speechless. He leaned back farther against the headboard, trying to be absorbed into it. “But now…” The Squip snapped their fingers, and Christine disappeared. “Now your choice is gone.” The two Eliana’s phased together, so that she still looked like Christine, but her smile was a mirror image of Michael's, whose hand she was now holding. 

“Stop it! Stop it!” Jeremy’s head pounded with a headache. He couldn't stop looking at the Squip’s projection of Eliana, how happy she looked holding Michael’s hand, and vice versa. Would they be that happy in real life?

“It's simple now, Jeremy! There's nothing to choose! He's right there, no roadblock in front of him!” 

“Roadblock!? Christine was not a roadblock! She was my wife, I loved her, Eliana loved her! I can't just brush her aside!” 

“But this is your chance to be as happy as you once were!” The Squip insisted. Jeremy shook his head and stood up. He walked through the Squip, their form momentarily fizzing out before returning. 

“I don't need Michael to be happy. I have Eliana, she is all I need.” Jeremy walked down the hall toward his daughter's room.

“You're making a mistake!” The Squip called after him. They sighed, disgruntled, and disappeared, leaving behind a faint metallic smell. 

Jeremy stood in front of Eliana’s door and took a deep breath. He opened the door as quietly as he could and walked in. The starry night light was shining brightly, spilling a blue galaxy over the walls. Jeremy watched Eliana sleep for a moment before walking over to a rocking chair in the corner. He sat down in it, pulling the nearby blankets over himself. It was hardly comfortable, but he found himself drifting off immediately. To his relief, he did not dream that night. 

\--

Michael was in the bathroom. Don't worry, he was fine, just concerned. His best friend didn't look too good when he had visited; his face had been pallid, his smile never lasting longer than a second or two. Michael had expected this, because Christine had died, and so now, he was in the bathroom, worried. Michael hated the helpless feeling in his stomach. He washed his hands, adjusted the duffle bag on his shoulder, and walked out. The airport wasn't too busy, which was nice. As Michael walked closer to the airplane that would fly him back to California and his big fancy Silicon Valley job, the sinking, helpless feeling in the pit of his stomach grew stronger. He bought some almonds, hoping that would make him feel better, but it didn't, and he sat down at his gate practically nauseous. He couldn't get Jeremy’s face out of his head, it was like a broken mirror, and it brightened so much when he saw Michael walk into that Applebee’s. Michael saw small drops soak into his cargo shorts, and he realized he was crying. That was where he drew the line. He knew what he needed to do. What was a hundred bucks wasted on a plane ticket in the grand scheme of things, anyway? He stood up and watched his feet walk to the airport shuttles, his face set. 

It didn't take him that long to get back to Jeremy’s house. It was kind of early in the morning on a Saturday, maybe eight? Michael didn't bother to check his watch. He knocked on the door, a couple rapid sounds, and it was quickly answered by a little girl. She stared up at him, eyes wide. “Hey, Eliana!” he began awkwardly. “You probably don't remember me, but my name is--”

“Michael!” she exclaimed suddenly and jumped forward into his arms. For a second, Michael just stood there with a four year old wrapped around his chest, then he giggled. 

“Well, alright!” He moved Eliana to his hip and smiled at her. “How are you doing, little miss!” 

“Fine! But…I do miss my mommy…” she trailed off, grin fading, and Michael nodded sadly. 

“And your daddy? How is he doing?” 

“I don't know. He seems really sad, so--so I have to keep smiling, to make him happy again.” While Michael was thinking of how to reply to that, Jeremy’s voice came floating from somewhere inside the house, getting louder as he drew closer to them. 

“Eliana, how many times have I told you to let daddy answer the…door…” Jeremy’s voice faded off when he walked into the entry hall and saw Michael. His eyes were wide and his face was pale. The only thing he said was, “michael,” and it came out as more of a croak. 

“Hey, Jer.” Michael put Eliana down, who insisted on holding his hand, anyway. “I thought I'd stay here a little longer. Not sure how long, however long you need me, I guess?” Jeremy took awhile to react, staring at the two, and when he did it was just a nod. Eliana gasped excitedly and pulled Michael into the house and into their lives, and he would not be leaving anytime soon.


End file.
